Friday, April 16, 2010

THE GIFT OF FEAR

Watching Gavin de Becker on Oprah today gave me the blog topic for tonight. His book, THE GIFT OF FEAR, is the best thing I’ve ever read. I’d recommend to any woman. It is a true gift.

Women worry about riding the subway in certain parts of town, driving dark highways alone. We’ve all heard stories of home invasion robberies and horrorible happenings at frat parties.

Gavin De Becker’s book teaches you that you will know when trouble is about to strike. That is the gift of fear. The tingle at the back of your neck that something isn’t right. The feeling in your gut that you shouldn’t get into the elevator with the stranger. The sense that you’re about to embark on a relationship that isn’t good for you. He interviewed hundreds of women who have been the victims of awful crimes and most had a chance, just before it happened, to prevent it. That’s not to say that all can be stopped or that they were in any way complicit but that there are often warning signs that were ignored.

It’s not polite to get off an elevator because you don’t like the look of someone. You might look ridiculous crossing the street if the group heading toward you is an innocent bunch of guys. You might seem really silly if you pretend to talk on your cell phone because you’re alone and not comfortable.

De Becker says you must trust yourself. Be willing to be rude. Be willing to disappoint your wedding guests if you don’t think you should walk down the aisle. Be willing to inconvenience others by insisting on a ride home.

You can read the first chapter of THE GIFT OF FEAR on Oprah’s website. This book changed my life. Maybe it will yours.

12 comments:

Sheila Connolly said...

How often do we hear about women who failed to act in their own interest--scream, fight--because they didn't want to make a fuss? And women who don't go to a doctor with a serious complaint because they don't want to bother a busy person? After decades of so-called feminism, you'd think we would have learned something.

This sounds like a book worth reading.

Jeanne C. said...

Very interesting, and empowering to women!

Terri Thayer said...

It's worth a read, too, to allay fears because you learn where the real threats are.

Monica Ferris said...

Sounds like a book I need to read, because I have ignored that tingle at the nape of my neck, very often to my regret. And now I think about it, I don't think I've ever regretted paying attention to it.

Linda O. Johnston said...

I think that, as a mystery writer, I'm always looking for trouble, even when there is none. But I'm always concerned that I'll fail to worry when I should be concerned. Sounds as if I should read that book!

Camille Minichino said...

Outstanding post and reference, Linda.

Though I think this is a human, rather than simply female problem,, sometimes I wonder if "feminism" ever happened.

Joanna Campbell Slan said...

I think this book should be required reading. What got me was the part about how nice women are, how we don't tell a guy to buzz off, and how many women were hurt by men who first offered to carry their groceries for them or whatever.

Terri Thayer said...

I think its as much about the way women have been socialized. de Becker says women take the word no to be mean no way; men hear it as a gambit to negotiate.

Betty Hechtman said...

What an interesting post. Right after I post this, I'm going to Oprah's website to check out that chapter.

Joanna Campbell Slan said...

Years ago, I heard a health care worker explain that more women died in the emergency room waiting care for heart attacks than men. The reason? Women would be "nice" and not push. We would endure the pain. Men, with their lower threshold for pain, and with their cultural sense of entitlement, would demand treatment and save their own lives. Fascinating stuff, eh?

Ellen T. said...

I am a writer who has been the victim of a stalker for nearly ten years. I know this book and own a copy. Years ago, I was a reference attorney in some of the courthouses de Backer describes. I was familiar with some of these cases, and they are chilling. I've learned to turst my instinct and to always look behind me.

Ellen T

Terri Thayer said...

Wow, Ellen, I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm happy to say that it seems that law enforcement is paying more attention to the dangers of stalkers. But how awful for you.

It's a great book.