Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Non-verbal Communication

Many years ago, when my nephew Aaron was not yet a toddler, we had a few friends over to my parents’ home for an evening. Mom had bought a crib for the several grandchildren still young enough to need one, and had set it up in the doorway of a room that today would be called the family room. Aaron, not ready to sleep, stood in the crib watching us gathered in the living room. Earlier, he had been given a new toy, a large, hard-plastic ball, bright red, with shapes cut out of its surface: a square, a circle, a star, a triangle. It came with plastic bricks of a size and shapes to just barely fit through the openings. He’d been playing with it before being taken off to bed, though without understanding how to use it. One of the visitors picked up the ball and began fitting the blocks into it. And Aaron was outraged. He began to scream, bouncing up and down and shouting in anger, waving and pointing. Not yet walking, he had to hold onto the side of the crib to stay on his feet, and his vocabulary at that time was pretty much limited to ma-ma and da-da. But none of us had any doubt what he was saying: That toy is mine! Not yours, mine! Put it down! Put it down! We all laughed, surprised at our comprehension, but it quickly turned sympathetic. The toy was put away, and his normal good humor was promptly restored.

I sometimes tell that story to illustrate why I think communism will never work, but as a writer, I can see it illustrating another point: There is more to writing than describing settings and reporting conversations.

I know I sometimes get so involved in writing the words of a conversation – hearing them in my head as I transfer them to the computer screen – that I forget to describe the gestures that accompany them. It’s only later, going back to read them over, that I realize how inadequate they seem without the tics and gestures that clarify the underlying emotions of the speakers.

A lot of communicating goes on non-verbally. It doesn’t have to be as blatant as Aaron’s demands that his ownership of his new favorite toy be recognized and honored. A skeptical eyebrow, a placating smile, a betraying giggle, a gesture of refusal, all can be eloquent. Humans are fluent in these non-verbal communications – so are our dogs and even some of our cats!

Most of us are people watchers. We watch children at play, we slow down driving past car accidents, we sit on the beach watching others cavort in the water. But writers carry it to extremes. We like to sit with our backs to the wall in restaurants and enjoy just sitting in a busy mall, soaking up behavior and building characters. We can forget the real purpose of a wedding or funeral, indulging in speculation about the other attendees.

But sometimes we forget to be subtle, and are confronted by a scowling face thrust suddenly into ours accompanying the demand, “Just what’re you looking at?” Today’s lesson: wait till you get home to write down your impressions.

8 comments:

Maddy said...

Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, Grace is a little girl who wouldn't wash her face - they probably just wanted to mention I've a smear of spaghetti sauce on my chin.

Betty Hechtman said...

Good point about the non verbal cues that go along with a conversation. I like your examples.

Julie said...

I've spoken about this, the way those bits of "business" can say as much as the words your characters are speaking. On a purely technical level, inserting gestures and movements can replace some of the attribution in dialogue, so you don't have to constantly repeat, "he said," "she said." And Aaron certainly knew his mind, didn't he?

Monica Ferris said...

Nice point, Julie!

Joanna Campbell Slan said...

I have to admit, I'm shameless about people-watching and eavesdropping. Especially in airports. You hear the most amazing stuff. And gosh, to think that once upon a time, people actually walked into a phone booth and closed the door for privacy rather than blurting out their intimate secrets to all within hearing range.

Joanna Campbell Slan said...

I have to admit, I'm shameless about people-watching and eavesdropping. Especially in airports. You hear the most amazing stuff. And gosh, to think that once upon a time, people actually walked into a phone booth and closed the door for privacy rather than blurting out their intimate secrets to all within hearing range.

Linda O. Johnston said...

I'm a strong believer in non-verbal communications... with our pets! My dogs know how to tell me what they want with a look or a pull on my arm with a paw, and otherwise, too. Sometimes it's verbal, though--with barks. I do try to add that to my stories when pets are making a "statement."

Monica Ferris said...

I had a cat who was amazingly empathetic to my moods. Though she was generally welcoming to visitors, I went through a period when I didn't want to talk to anyone and stayed in my bedroom a lot. One time I heard someone coming up the stairs to see me (I had a finished room in the attic) and she went to the foot of the bed and growled at the sound - something I'd never seen her do before.

But dogs look ashamed to urge us to forgive them, and jump with joy at the prospect of a walk. They come for a cuddle when we're sad and try to warn us when there's danger. In an experiment when treats were hidden under cans, all the experimenter had to do was look at the can under which the treat was hidden to show the dog where it was. Wolves raised as pets can't do this.