Monday, July 19, 2010

How Not to Impress a Book Club

Early on in our courtship, my husband impressed the heck out of me by killing a fly.

I know this raises all sorts of questions in your mind, like why the Bachelor and The Bachelorette TV Shows don't cut to the chase and have fly killing competitions. Maybe fly killing isn't a skill that warms the cockles of every woman's heart. But to me, seeing him clap his hands over a newly landed fly, watching the palms smack together, seeing the dead body bounce across the table...well, he had me at "SMACK!"

After our wedding, I decided we were intimate enough for me to ask an important question. "How do you do that? I mean, I've seem people kill flies with swatters and with newspapers, but bare handed? And sometimes with the flies in mid-flight? Gee...." (I think the champagne was still percolating in my veins.)
He explained that if you positioned your hands roughly three inches apart and over the top of the fly that when you clapped, the fly was sucked up in the updraft. And voila! Dead bug.

This, I thought, was very, very cool. So I tried it. It worked. Since then, I've been a lethal weapon to any and sundry flying bugs.

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm pretty darn proud of my fly-killing, martial arts hands. So I show off my talent whenever and wherever a hero(ine) is needed to clap out bothersome bugs.

My talents served me well until May when I was on my Kiki Lowenstein's World Tour. I stopped by the Oprah Book Club in Monroe City, IN, for a repeat performance. This is a wonderful book club, and Marlis Day deserves credit for her work with them! Plus, Marlis always puts on a good old-fashion Southern Indiana spread for the club members. That includes oven baked chicken, salads, slaws, potato salads, rice salads, beans, tomatoes and Robert Redford, which has to be my hands-down favorite dessert. Read how to make it here. Yes, ladies, I would never turn down an opportunity to lick Robert Redford from a spoon!

Knowing my weakness, the kind folks in Monroe City made not one or two but five pans of Robert Redford, using a variety of puddings. I was digging into the chocolate version when a fly buzzed my plate. I decided I was NOT going to share my dessert with a fly, even if he was a fellow Hoosier. So I put down my plate and waited. When the fly was directly over the pan of Robert Redford--SLAP! I got the little sucker.

Unfortunately, he fell into the dessert.

I think they still love me in Monroe City, but they watch me very, very carefully when I start to clap for anything.

The folks at Monroe City know I'm a FOOL for Robert Redford.


Camille Minichino said...

I always love a little physics in a blog!
thanks, Joanna!

Linda O. Johnston said...

I have to admit, Joanna, that the idea of killing an insect by hand is not my favorite thing to hear about, let alone do. Give me a swatter every time. We even have a battery operated one that zaps insects!

Joanna Campbell Slan said...

You're right, Camille. It's physics. Shhh! Don't tell!

Joanna Campbell Slan said...

Linda, I hate swatters--they get so ucky. There's a satisfaction to killing by hand.

Betty Hechtman said...

Personally, I try to get flies, bugs, spiders or lizards to go back outside where they belong.

Barb Goffman said...

By hand icks me out as well. I use my Dustbuster. Works great, even on flying bugs. But now I'm afraid to empty it. Well, not afraid. But totally icked out by that idea as well. My friend Donna keeps saying she'll come over and empty it for me. I hope it's soon, the thing's getting full!

Joanna Campbell Slan said...

Marlis asked me to post this comment for her:

Hi Joanna,
You give me too much credit. All the the bookclubbies bring food and friends when we host an author. And by the way, they all love you so much, they wouldn't have cared if you had SAT in the Robert Redford dessert!

Hmm. I sat on Robert Redford. Has an interesting ring to it, doesn't it?

Joanna Campbell Slan said...

Betty, you've got that zen thing going, huh? Good for you. None of the bugs I know like the outdoors as much as they enjoy inside.

Joanna Campbell Slan said...

Barb, drive over here and I'll empty it for you. That'a what friends are for.

Barb Goffman said...

I might just take you up on that ...

Monica Ferris said...

I saw a sign today: An optimist is a person who thinks the housefly is looking for an exit.