Crime in the Kitchen

Note: I’m on a killer deadline at the moment, so pardon if I commit a drive-by blog this week.


I can’t cook.

I know many people say that, but I Really. Can’t. Cook.

The situation is so dire that I’m thinking of possible terms for this condition to submit to the medical lexicon. Should I call it Kitchen Disaster Syndrome? Attention Recipe Disorder?

I’ve always been a lousy meal maker, but I used to maneuver around my shortcoming with a combination of take-out dinners, meals-in-a-box, and frozen-stuff-in-a-bag-that-you-can-dump-into-a-pan meals. But the whole noncooking thing came to a head recently, because for once, I’ve actually been trying to follow recipes. I’ve been really trying. And failing.

Here’s what happens every time I try to cook:

1. I think of what my family and I might want to eat.
2. I search on Yahoo for a recipe, which usually lands me on http://www.recipe.com/.
3. I attempt to follow the instructions.
4. I forget a minor-sounding step.
5. I study the results, which look nothing like the picture on the web page.
6. I bury the evidence and dig up the delivery menus.

It’s that damned Step Four that gets me every time. Even if I print out the recipe and keep it by my elbow, I get distracted during the actual cooking process and leave something out. I leave out something important.

Take last night, for example. I was trying to make Southern Fried Chicken Legs. Not hard, right? Women like me who were raised in the south are born knowing how to make this dish.

I looked up the recipe, printed it and followed it assiduously. The results, however, looked like the shriveled stumps of thousand-year-old chicken mummies. So of course, I reread the recipe with righteous anger. Then I spotted my mistake. I was supposed to have covered the chicken at some point. Probably I was supposed to have covered the chicken at the moment that I was busy dodging ammunition bursts of hot oil droplets that spattered every time I got close to the pan.

So I don’t know. Maybe I’ll keep trying to cure this thing, and learn how to cook. Or maybe I’ll simply give the disorder an official name, like my current favorite, Chronic Inedibility Fatigue. And call it a day.

Suggestions?

On the road for DYING TO BE THIN: week two

This past week has been incredible.

My week-that-shall-live-in-fond-memory started last Friday, when I attended the book launch party for DYING TO BE THIN. And what a party! The hostess, Mary Farrell, pulled out all the stops to make the party a night to remember. She brought in an awesome caterer, Jen Sweet (gotta love that last name), who produced Whoopie Pies wrapped in ribbons that were made from the text of my book (you have to read the first chapter of DYING TO BE THIN to understand the Whoopie Pie thing); Jen produced to-die-for empanadas, as well as dessert “cones” made out of facsimiles of the book cover. I’ve never before been to a party with such imaginative catering—I hereby nominate Jen for next year’s Top Chef!

There was a big, festive crowd, and everyone had a blast! On hand were Sisters-in-Crime LA Chapter Prez Diana James, SiS LA V.P. Susan Kozar Beery, writer-comrade Kathy Kinston, and Diana’s husband, Darrell James, who won the 2007 DEADLY INK award for his work, Trust A Dead Man To Keep A Secret. Also in attendance were my writing critique group members: Elizabeth Ralser, Lynn Schwartz, and Warren Deasy, who helped organize the event. Our critique group’s fearless leader, Lyn Stimer, could not come due to a family illness, but she was there in spirit! Oh, and Pamela Eells, the Emmy-nominated writer of Disney’s The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, was also there. She’s been my best friend ever since our Wellesley College days!

On Saturday, I appeared with fellow Killer Hobbies blogger, Linda O. Johnston, at the Mysterious Galaxy Bookstore near San Diego (check out Linda’s newest book, Fright of the Iguana—it’s a great read!). Even more fun than selling books was getting the chance to meet the bookstore staff, both of whom are named Linda. We had three Linda’s in the house!

On Sunday, I gave a talk at the San Diego Public Library. The talk was titled (somewhat self-importantly) as “From daydream to reality: one writer’s journey to publication”. But in reality, it was a fun discussion of anything and everything about the writing process. Lynn Whitehouse and her entire staff, including technical guru, Alan Bugg, made me feel very at home.
Upcoming

The fun continues this weekend:

This Saturday, October 13th, I’ll be signing DYING TO BE THIN at 1 p.m. at The Mystery Bookstore, 1036-C Broxton Ave in Los Angeles (aka Westwood), California.

I’ll appear at another signing that same day in Valencia at 4 p.m., at Borders Books and Music #297, 24445 Town Center Drive.

Please stop by for a visit at either location, and say Howdy!